Battle Cry

I knew I couldn’t do it. It was too fresh. I was too raw. It’s one thing to find a semblance of strength to accept the truth, and quite another to look into the eyes of your children and not completely crumble. I am still grateful for how remarkable my husband was when he agreed to head home before me to tell them.  With what words I could not fathom. Then when I arrived, well… there was really no plan after that.

Nick, then 14, took one look at my face and read me completely. Funny how he was always able to do that. But I could tell that this time, what he saw there concerned him. He immediately wanted to know everything, and I told him all I knew. We held each other.

“I’ll pray for you, momma.”

This was good. God has always been very attuned to Nick’s voice. And with that, he was satisfied that the most important thing had now been done.

Tyler, being 16, was feigning distraction while listening intently. Then as though he wished for more time to think, measuredly he approached, and with a small sigh, gave me a hug.  All the while remaining his confident self, standing firmly in his big-brother space, trying to help dad hold up the walls.

“You’re going to be OK mom, you’re going to be okay…” he said again and again.  Only later did I realize he was saying the words that he himself most needed to hear.

Nate.

My youngest came rushing to me. We embraced tightly.  A long time.  Just standing there. Dad watching.  Tears falling.  I just couldn’t… let go of him.

“Precious… I love you so much…” I started, but then I could find no more words.  Finally, a question from him.

“Is it catchy?”

A smile. “No, honey.”

These kids represent the tenderest area of my life, the place where I am most vulnerable. Of them all, it was the time with my youngest that hit me the hardest. Maybe it was because he needed me most. But with a broken heart, and all defenses gone, “The Mom” with the cape turned out to be a mere mortal… struggling under the weight of a world she so easily lifted just the day before.  And in the weakest of moments, with the most defenseless of children, the first stake in the ground was laid.  Unsteady at first, then more firmly, then strong, the line in the sand had been drawn. I had found my battle cry.

“I will fight for you, Nate.”

* * * * *

Sometimes we are brought to where we are the weakest because what we find there is exactly what we need.

Although love requires vulnerability, where there is love, there is strength. God says, in our weakness He is strong. I get that a little better now. But I wonder… perhaps this is not because He is simply God, but is because God is simply love.

Birds and Nest copyright Lynnea Washburn

All portions of this blog are ©Lynnea Washburn.  All rights reserved.

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